


when you're stuck answering a question you don't know the answer to, close your eyes and pray

by capo (cloudclips)



Category: Free!
Genre: Gen, although you don't need to have seen gintama, ft. gintama references, this is embarrassing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-26
Updated: 2015-11-26
Packaged: 2018-05-03 11:13:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5288570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudclips/pseuds/capo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Uh,” Ai says intelligently. Usually whatever intellect he has around Momo saps itself away by the time Sousuke or Rin comes around, which is a shame. “Hi, we had a… a question? Can we close the door?”</p>
<p>“The door is closed,” Sousuke says, “it closes naturally.”</p>
<p>Yes, Ai supposes it does. He looks at Momo for help.</p>
<p>He looks at <b>Momo</b> for help. He sighs. There’s not enough help to go around, at this rate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	when you're stuck answering a question you don't know the answer to, close your eyes and pray

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ad_Astra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ad_Astra/gifts).



> for dani ♥ thanks for bein' you. you make me laugh all the time and i hope to do the same here.   
>  **disclaimer:** despite appearances no one is actually having underage sex. they are pure and foolish.

 

 

“So the story goes like this,” Momo’s saying when Aiichirou promptly stops paying attention. Momo’s been reading yaoi on his phone at night when he thought Ai wasn’t paying attention, but if anyone can tell when someone has been discretely reading yaoi, it’s Ai. That stone turned itself over quickly enough, which honestly was a relief for Ai -- pretending not to notice Momo snooping around had been more awkward than actually realizing Momo was snooping around.

Until Momo decided that Ai-senpai should become his new sounding board for picking out new volumes.

(“It’s like we have our own book club,” he’d exclaimed, bouncing a little in his bunk. Ai had watched him bounce, happily, obliviously bouncing the point right off of his head, where it stuck like a squashed beetle to the ceiling. Neither of them had decided to fetch the point from the ceiling yet.)

This week’s series of ravishing forbidden sensation turned out to be some vampire chronicle, one that popped up frequently enough on Internet forums but not enough for Ai to make a serious effort towards engaging with -- he has more (self proclaimed) taste than simply going for the one with most skin on the cover. Momo, on the other hand, being an amateur in the matter --

“-- and then they went at it _again_ , for a _third time_ , like! You know… isn’t it kind of. You know,” Momo gulps audibly, “ _you know_?”

Momo had taken to saying _you know_ a lot lately, possibly after watching several episodes of Gintama with Sousuke. _You know_ could refer to a number of things lately, but tended to end up being hilarious and unfortunate. Aiichirou looks up at the mattress over his head. “Huh?”

“I mean, you know…” Momo gulps again. How the imaginary water must suffer, Ai thinks. “Doesn’t it take… you know,”

“Momo-kun, I literally _don’t_ know,” explains Ai as patiently as he can.

“Isn’t it kinda hard to get it up for a third time especially if you, like, don’t have blood in your body?” Momo bursts out, finally.

Ai raises his eyes towards the heavens, only to find access blocked by both the dead metaphorical bug on the ceiling and the top literal bunk. “It’s fictional,” he says after a moment.

“But that doesn’t really _happen_ , right?”

“Vampires aren’t real either, but you accepted them quickly enough.”

“Vampires _could_ be real,” Momo argues, “but getting it up three times in a row _couldn’t_ be real.”

“Can’t,” corrects Ai absentmindedly out of sheer habit.

“Couldn’t.”

“Can’t.” Fuck. Ai holds his breath and counts to three, exhales slowly and decides to take the best course of action in this situation: pawn off the problem to someone else. “Hey, Momo-kun, why don’t you ask Sousuke-senpai? I bet he knows everything there is to know about… the third time.”

Momo gapes at him. “But…”

“But?”

“... but this is a --”

“A…?”

“Nevermind.” Momo seems to sag a little. “You wanna go now?”

Ai clutches his pillow suddenly, alarmed. “Why do I have to come with you?”

“You said last week you were gonna chaperone me around Sousuke-senpai from now on, ‘cause otherwise we’d end up on a train to Osaka and not even know it.”

Ah. Right. Ai deflates too. The proverbial beetle on the ceiling stirs. “I did say that, didn’t I?”

“You did, you did,” Momo leans down from his bunk; Ai watches as his upside-down, golden face slides into view. “So, wanna go?”

Where on earth did he learn to glitter his eyes like that? Ai sighs and gives in. “Alright, let’s go.”

 

 

*

 

 

Sousuke’s at his desk very obviously not studying when Momo barges in, Ai following much slower. In fact, he appears to be researching knee pads in one window and watching Gintama in another; Ai catches a glimpse of Gintoki screaming at his crotch before Sousuke pauses and switches tabs.

“Yeah?”

Ai takes a look at Sousuke and realizes that he’s definitely guided Momo to the right place. Sousuke lounges back in his chair like a sort of man panther, dark and graceful. The chair’s tipped back just enough to be thrilling; his eyelids are heavy with false disinterest; his hair is… fuck, Ai has no idea. Sexy? Tousled? Sexy and tousled? Should he be thinking about Sousuke like this?

“Uh,” Ai says intelligently. Usually whatever intellect he has around Momo saps itself away by the time Sousuke or Rin comes around, which is a shame. “Hi, we had a… a question? Can we close the door?”

“The door is closed,” Sousuke says, “it closes naturally.”

Yes, Ai supposes it does. He looks at Momo for help.

He looks at **Momo** for help. He sighs. There’s not enough help to go around, at this rate.

Momo smiles widely at Sousuke. “So, Sousuke-senpai!” His voice is a lot squeakier than it had been a few minutes ago, which doesn’t bode well. “You’re, uh, old right?”

“I’m _what_?” Instead of breaking, Sousuke’s voice kind of growls. Ai makes a mental note of this.

“Experienced! I mean experienced. So, we were just wondering, Ai-senpai and me, we were wondering if you could, _you know_.”

“... no, I don’t know,” Sousuke says after several meaningful glances from Momo fail to convey the hidden message behind the _you know_. “Spit it out, Momotarou, I’m -- uh, studying.”

Studying. Ai nearly chokes. Momo doesn’t. Momo spits.

Sousuke hands him a tissue.

“You _know_?” Momo continues, with equal meaning, after throwing the tissue into the bin.

Sousuke’s eyes turn to Ai, imploringly. Or, in his case, more like a command to an underling, or a slave. Ai isn’t sure which thought is more terrifying. He heaves another sigh. “We thought you might be able to help us… with…” it takes him all of his willpower not to say _you know_ , “... s….”

“SEX,” booms Momo.

Ai looks pained.

Sousuke looks pale. “Help you and Momo?”

“Yeah, we wanted some expert knowledge and guidance,” Momo chirps, more at ease after having gotten the dreaded s-word out.

“Uh-”

“We have a… logistics… technicality question,” Ai says, deciding to just fuck it (but not literally) and dive in (also not literally).

Sousuke, now looking startled and flustered, but still suavely lounging, clarifies: “You two want me to give you… sex advice.”

“Yes, Sousuke-senpai,” Ai and Momo chant together.

“...Me.”

“Yes.”

“Why don’t you ask Rin? Isn’t he the one who spouts off sh-- stuff like ‘you can talk to me about anything!’ all during practice?”

Ai considers it briefly, and then shakes his head. “Uozumi-kun said he and Tooru went to Rin-senpai for advice on -- anyway, Rin-senpai wouldn’t stop laughing for, like, forty-five minutes, and then he just walked away. Anyway, Sousuke-senpai is --”

“-- _obviously_ more experienced in wild shenanigans! I heard stories about Tokyo from Uuozumi-senpai and all, it sounded completely crazy, like-- so it’s gotta be you!” Momo twiddles his thumbs like he’s imparted a great gift, grinning from ear to ear.

“Me,” Sousuke repeats again.

“Yep!”

After a long moment, Sousuke rubs his temples. “It’s not my place to give unsolicited advice on adolescent intimacy,” he begins in a strained sort of voice, “but the most important thing is, uh, you kn-- the most important thing is that you’re both ready… for… that.”

“That?” echoes Ai and Momo.

“That,” Sousuke says, nearly quavering, his hands balled up into fists. There’s an endearing sort of pink traveling across his face. “You’re both, uh…” His mouth kind of spasms. Ai watches his knuckles whiten for a fascinating five seconds before the fist relaxes and color rushes back into his skin. “A little… tender… aged. So I guess if you’re really ready, then --”

Ai opens his mouth to interrupt that the question had little to do with age and more to do with vampires, but Momo beats him to it.

“No, Sousuke-senpai, we wanna know, like, how many times you can do it in a day.”

“Hork?” Sousuke exclaims.

“We heard someone say he did it three times in a row,” Momo continues, and Ai wants to tell Sousuke exactly _where_ Momo had heard it from, but that would imply that he also took part in the _hearing_ about it, and so refrains. “I thought that would be kinda hard, ha ha, get it? No? Kinda difficult, but since senpai has all the experience, maybe you could give us a -- a ballpark or something?”

Sousuke frowns. Or, more accurately, he smoulders. Ai feels his stomach give out. He sits down to disguise his shaking knees. Next to him, Momo plots down onto the rug as well, enthusiastically.

“A ballpark.”

“Yeah, like an estimate,” Momo offers helpfully.

Sousuke’s smoulder goes all sooty and Ai feels sore tempted to -- do something, he doesn’t know what exactly. Make tender affections at Sousuke’s eyeballs. To calm himself, he looks over at Momo, who bounces bright and golden on the rug, and -- oh, his hair is growing out a little, curling over his tanned neck --

_Get it together, Nitori_ , Ai thinks at himself (but quietly, in case Momo can actually read minds like he’d claimed a few days ago).

“You’re so lucky Rin is out over at Iwatobi right now,” Sousuke informs them both. Or perhaps informs himself. He adjusts his facial expression and dons a look of dark haughtiness. “I wouldn’t share something so -- personal. It’s between me and…”

 

 

*

 

 

“Let me get this right,” Sousuke asks for the fourth time. He speaks slowly and authoritatively. “You _don’t_ want to have sex with each other.”

That’s not technically true, Ai wants to say, but he’s thankful for once when Momo bounces up and down on the carpet and nods.

“Okay. And you want to know… how many times,” Sousuke’s eyes go all heavy and dark, “you can… do that.”

Ai swallows.

Momo continues to bounce. “Yep!”

Neither of them mention vampires. Ai doesn’t want to know why.

“Well,” Sousuke says after a moment, “I’d say --”

“In your _experience_ , Sousuke-senpai,” Momo interrupts, eagerly almost launching himself into Sousuke’s lap. “Like, not stuff we read on the internet…”

“... read on the internet?” Sousuke asks almost dangerously.

“Research,” Momo explains.

“I think Momo-kun trusts your word more than he trusts the internet,” Ai says quietly, and is horrified to hear his voice come out kind of hoarse. Neither Momo or Sousuke appear to have noticed. Sousuke looks conflicted for a moment, but Momo seizes one of his hands with a bright, encouraging smile.

How Momo managed to pry his fingers off the edge of his desk, Ai doesn’t know.

Sousuke opens his mouth after a moment. His expression is one of utter peace, as if he’s accepted his fate. Ai watches as the golden halo of nirvana rises like the sun behind his head. He slips his hand gently out of Momo’s grip and presses them together, palm to palm, a Buddha about to impart a great teaching. “In that case,” he starts.

 

 

*

 

 

Rin is howling like a goddamn wolf. And by howling, Sousuke means actual howling, on all fours on his bunk, tear streaming down his face as he gazes at the cold, white ceiling light.

Sousuke scowls. “Shut up, Rin.”

“This is,” Rin gasps, “the funniest shit I’ve ever heard.” He pauses a moment to catch his breath, but isn’t fast enough to do so. “Please.”

“It’s not _funny_ \--”

“No, you’re right.”

“Uh-huh.”

“It’s _hilarious_.” Rin heaves himself up on the edge of his bunk so that he’s gripping the frame of Sousuke’s instead, his face cherry red with laughter.

No, not cherry. Sensitive fruit there.

Apple red with laughter.

Any other day, Sousuke would be glad of an excuse to have Rin’s face so close to his own. Today, he just wants to swat the face away.

“What kind of _freak shit porn_ have you been watching?”

“Nothing! You can see my whole internet history, all I’ve been watching is Gintama!”

“Oh. Right,” Rin collects himself for a split second to say, “ _Kintama **[1]**_.”

Sousuke decides to utilize his extra pillow by stuffing it into Rin’s face. It doesn’t do much to deter the laughter, but at least he doesn’t have to watch Rin cry over him for a second time.

“You’re so lucky I didn’t say anything to them,” Rin sobs a few minutes later, having wrestled the pillow away and himself into Sousuke’s bed. He’d laughed so hard that he gave himself stomach cramps, and now the two of them are spooning platonically while Rin stops having hysterics.

Sousuke stops holding him. “You wouldn’t betray me like that.”

“... nah,” Rin giggles weakly, “I would never shatter the dark dom persona of my best friend and sworn brother just to save the dicks of our teammates down the line.” He starts shaking with laughter again, and Sousuke gets the urge to shove him off the bed. Rin sucks in a deep breath. “ _Virgin_.”

Sousuke gives him a gentle shove. The shove nearly has Rin flying off the bed, but the two of them aren’t friends for nothing -- Rin’s death grip on the bed frame holds true. Unfortunately.

“Where did you get that idea, anyway? Did those rumors Minami start go to your head?”

“I,” Sousuke starts.

Rin waits patiently.

“I didn’t _know_ , okay,” Sousuke near yells, “it’s not like I’ve _done it_ before.”

“You thought someone could have sex _fifteen times in a row_.”

Sousuke does not have an excuse for that.

“And they _believed_ you?”

Sousuke nods miserably.

“You’re _ruining the youth of tomorrow_ ,” Rin howls, and then curls up because the stomach cramps come back.

“It’s not like they’re actually gonna test my theory,” Sousuke snaps, a virginal blush blooming across his face.

And then, before Rin can say anything at all,  a loud, steady banging starts up in the next room.

 

**end.**

 

 

___________________________________________

[1] slang term for balls


End file.
